I feel as though I am stretched to the limits and if given the slightest tug, I will break.
I am sick to my stomach and I do not want to be anywhere but at home in bed. I do not want to talk to anyone. I feel impending doom. The last time I felt like this, the World Trade Center was attacked. I now know I felt bad because my sixth sense was telling me some horrific world-changing event would happen. Perhaps we will be hit by a meteor on Monday. Wouldn't that be spectacular?
Maybe I ate too much tofu last night.
Maybe I do not want to face the fact that my relationship of six years is ending. I don't even want to talk to him anymore. I am through with talking. I feel worse when I talk to him. He does not understand me. I do not want him to understand me anymore. I don't care, anymore.
The drugs don't seem to be working today.
I am failing my history class and it's my own fault. I don't have time for it. When I do have time to study, my body won't let me stay awake enough to read.
The other day I came home and slept from 6pm to 730am the next morning. I could have slept longer, but I cannot afford to lose my job. I cannot afford to fail my class. I do not want to play any gigs this weekend, but I have four that I am obligated to. I cannot fake it, by the way I feel today. I cannot give anything up. It is all crucial to me breaking this poverty pattern I was born into. I cannot work a dead-end job the rest of my life. I cannot be a miserable mom with 2.2 kids living in a cookie-cutter home in the suburbs. That to me would be hell.
I refuse, absolutely refuse to give up. There are people who are dying of cancer who have dreams and goals, that their bodies won't allow them to accomplish. My mind is trying to keep me from my accomplishments. I have to fulfill my dreams for all those who cannot. I have no choice.
I am sick to my stomach and I do not want to be anywhere but at home in bed. I do not want to talk to anyone. I feel impending doom. The last time I felt like this, the World Trade Center was attacked. I now know I felt bad because my sixth sense was telling me some horrific world-changing event would happen. Perhaps we will be hit by a meteor on Monday. Wouldn't that be spectacular?
Maybe I ate too much tofu last night.
Maybe I do not want to face the fact that my relationship of six years is ending. I don't even want to talk to him anymore. I am through with talking. I feel worse when I talk to him. He does not understand me. I do not want him to understand me anymore. I don't care, anymore.
The drugs don't seem to be working today.
I am failing my history class and it's my own fault. I don't have time for it. When I do have time to study, my body won't let me stay awake enough to read.
The other day I came home and slept from 6pm to 730am the next morning. I could have slept longer, but I cannot afford to lose my job. I cannot afford to fail my class. I do not want to play any gigs this weekend, but I have four that I am obligated to. I cannot fake it, by the way I feel today. I cannot give anything up. It is all crucial to me breaking this poverty pattern I was born into. I cannot work a dead-end job the rest of my life. I cannot be a miserable mom with 2.2 kids living in a cookie-cutter home in the suburbs. That to me would be hell.
I refuse, absolutely refuse to give up. There are people who are dying of cancer who have dreams and goals, that their bodies won't allow them to accomplish. My mind is trying to keep me from my accomplishments. I have to fulfill my dreams for all those who cannot. I have no choice.
posted by Jeni at 10:22 AM
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